Nutcases
by Asuka Kimi
Summary: CRACK. Featuring Yuugi and Kaiba in the case Atem is around with friendly Puzzle and suggestively Pride.


**Yu-Gi-Oh © Takahashi Kazuki**

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Final warning: this story is entirely crack, its purpose first and foremost is to humor myself while I am having fun writing about Yu-Gi-Oh peeps.

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\- - - Mutou Yuugi's case - - -

Atem had taken care of him many times in the past, now it was his turn to guide the Pharaoh who had decided to stay! Yuugi curled his hands into fists determinedly. A screaming Jounouchi ran around frantically trying to put out the background imaginary fire kindled menacingly from nowhere behind the smaller duelist.

Today was Atem's first day introduced to modern day school.

As expected of ancient Pharaoh. Atem commanded all the attentions and bodies and drools even before his wake began. Yuugi held his head high, arms wide spread at his sides, walking in front of Atem protectively, glaring at every living being with legs and the smiling mascots from nearby fast-food businesses. He of all people knew how dangerous rabid fans could be from being the one with title Yu-Gi-Oh stamping on his forehead. Good, even the usual highschool bullies steered clear of his path.

Atem himself was skittish, mortified by all the eyes devouring him like main course and when he passed by, heads turned after him like starved wolves. This was a bad idea after all. He should have just hidden home and helped grandpa Sugoroku dusting the front yard until customers came. (This morning, he almost approached the old man but was rescued by Yuugi when a pair of highschool girls pounced his ancient royal ass. The Pharaoh had only been minding his own business, stretching innocently to wake his still sleeping muscles where he stood not that far from grandpa. "You shouldn't leave your chest bare in the morning, Atemu, you might catch a cold!" Yuugi, hands on his hips, admonished the King disapprovingly on their way back to the house, and promptly decided Atem should start his first school day earlier than they had planned.)

Bakura the ancient King of Thieves threw a casual hand around Atem's shoulders and fell into step with the bemused Pharaoh. "Good to be you," The taller man remarked nonchalantly, whistling at the fear caused by Yuugi and pointed his thumb at Bakura Ryo walking timidly behind them, "Look at my host, he's still like an everyday bunny!"

Atem stared wide eyes when a string of water successfully distanced him and the Thief.

"You!" Yuugi snarled, pointing his water pistol at Bakura threateningly, the chili pepper spray on his other hand, "Don't act like his friend! You think I can't see that paper knife in your back pocket?!"

"It's _HIS_ paper knife in my back pocket, you fucking shrimp!" Bakura snapped back and ducked abruptly when another string of water shot at his face.

"How dare you stole his self-defense present _I_ gave him!" Violet eyes blazing in fury, Yuugi aimed his spray at Bakura and gave chase when the Thief jumped out through the window—

—of the second floor. "Aibou!" Atem called after his partner while running to the broken window, careful of the shards. But Yuugi had already rounded a corner after landing safely on one poor Honda, unfortunately victimized by the usual case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Hey golden honey~ what's your name?" A girl immediately pressed against Atem in the front.

Atem gaped, before the girl was shoved aside by another girl. The new female clasped his hands with hers and looked at him with strange glint in her eyes that made his hairs stood up more than they already had. "Would you like to be my sexsla—I mean… _mate for life_?"

 _No!_ His mind screamed but the word got stuck in his throat when he caught the girl smiled in a very threatening manner. His back touched Ryo's, who didn't fare any better than him and was turning a worrisome shade of white close to that of his hair. They were surrounded.

 _I… I'm going to be killed!_ The Pharaoh gulped dreadfully, watching the crowd close in on them like a cornered kitten. A very screwed ancient royal kitten.

\- - - Kaiba Seto's case - - -

 _Chance!_

He put the mask on his head and delivered his most impressive speech of the history, "What's going on here!?"

The crowd could only stare at his magnificent appearance in horrified speechlessness.

"Who are you?" Atem asked cluelessly.

"Hn," The tall male walked proudly toward the shorter, easily divided the crowd with his advance until he stood towering over Atem, claiming, "I am Ally of Justice, KAIBAMAN!" And then he laughed obnoxiously.

 _Someone! Take Kaiba back to his spaceship!_ The onlookers screeched in their heads, outwardly stepped away from the two.

"Kaibaman…" Atem breathed in wonder, stared at his savior with a grateful smile that was borderline dreamy.

 _He believes him?! How can there is someone not recognize Kaiba of all people in this planet?!_ The crowd shrieked inwardly, shaking their heads in disbelief.

Lifting Atem's face with an index-finger under the golden honey chin, Kaibaman announced dramatically, "Fate brings us to this place, at this time. Our meeting is destiny!"

 _BULLSHIT!_ The crowd howled in their heads.

"Destiny? Fate?" Atem blinked owlishly, feeling oddly like a déjà vu.

"Indeed. Now we must follow the call of our past and finish what we had started long ago!" Kaibaman snapped his fingers and immediately, a Blue Eyes White Dragon jet appeared on the other side of the windows behind him.

"Blue Eyes White Dragon! You are—!" Atem gasped in realization.

Not waiting for Atem to get over his surprise, Kaiba put an arm around Atem's shoulders, another under his knees and lifted the Pharaoh in his arms and, jumped out through a window right next to the previously broken one, glass pieces glistering around him like diamonds. Kaiba landed on his dragon's head carrying the King like a princess, laughing all the while like a true villain.

"Well then, goodbye ladies and gentlemen!" Kaiba sneered at the dumbfounded audiences and directed his jet to evacuate the area, not before spraying black smoke over everything from behind for cool effect in case someone was livestreaming him.

"Where are you taking me?" Atem demanded when they were in the middle of the sky.

"My multibillion dollar bedroom."

Atem pointed his finger at Kaiba's forehead, "Attempt king-nap, cliché sexual innuendos and destroy public property; for the sake of love and friendship, in the name of Pharaoh, I will punish you! MIND CRUSH!"

.

.

.

Ten seconds later…

"I don't know how to ride this dragon! Get up now!" Atem ordered in distress, seated on Kaiba's tummy, tried shaking the unconscious male awake.

Kaiba immediately sat up straight and declared loudly, "It's totally up! Ride this dragon!"

"DIE!"

End.

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Author's Note: I expect to post an update some time during this weekend for one of my on-going Yu-Gi-Oh fan-fics, but I'm not promising anything. Currently I'm so hyped for the home release of The Dark Side of Dimensions in only five days more, I can hardly wait. Hopefully the Movie will bring back many retired Prideshipping fan-fiction writers and inspire new ones.

See you around,

Asuka K.


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